"I wrote this some time ago but did not publish it because I thought it was sensitive and I didn't want to risk it, but I now think that people have a right to know what I'm really thinking about..."


I stopped looking forward to hanging out in cafes and restaurants (fast food or not) because we used to have tons of things to talk about.

But these days I feel really redundant in the set up, like a spare 5 cent coin in a Louis Vuitton purse.

Nowadays, suppers with Eugene, Jason and Ivan that I’ve never attended (which I hold a certain contempt for *the supper, not the people*) and what Adrian/Jiaquan did or said are the de facto theme of many conversations.

I never hid my disinterest towards all these guys here, but I don’t dislike them too.

In another kind of setting I might even become their friends. Unfortunately, the context of my relationship with them was never right.

They just get talked about so much that I can feel them sitting next to me all the time even though they are not physically present. Sometimes, I even feel like they are sitting on top of me.

I never hid my distaste for KL, and I don’t mind saying it again. That my patience towards her is maintained only on a minimal level.

This is why I tried to limit contact as much as possible. Unlike KJ, she is not my sister, and I can never truly forget what she did and said, because I do not want to forgive her.

If all goes well, I may be able to put on a front, barely. But when I’m pissed, I can’t stop myself from spoiling the mood of everyone simply because I’m just too unstable emotionally these days.

I’m sorry for losing my temper tonight, I really am. Sorry that the two of you has to be innocent victims of my tantrums.

But for 5 minutes, I felt like a second class friend.

Things that happened in the past meant that we now get to see one another once in a blue moon.

And for the days we don’t see one another, there’s always the supper, the BBQs and other whatnots, I don’t know. And I don’t want to know, because knowing all that only highlights how much we have drifted, and that hurts.

So for the times we still have at the MJ table, I really cherish them a lot.

What hurt the most was that it’s alright to stay out for supper till 7am, but then she has a hundred and one reasons why she must go immediately and cannot for another 15-20 minutes.

Am I even to rule out the possibility of us sitting down for a game?

What’s left then?

NDP training today was an eye opener. I was there a little earlier and I saw for myself how different the SSA is.

The other groups has instructors screaming and scolding their paticipants all the time, and the participants tried their best everytime to pretend that they care.

On the other hand, the SSA guys always showed great respect for their trainers, even though some of the paticipants are old enough to be their grandfather. To be fair, the trainers are all great motivators and treat the paticipants with respect and commenable tolerance too.

The feeling is unpretentious. We were a 950 men strong family tonight.

Not only do I want to take part in the NDP every year, I only want to do it with the SSA.

A tribute to old times

http://duperpok.tripod.com/Scream/

Long time no see?

I re-read all of the things I wrote before.

And I suddenly hate myself for ever deleting all my writings from knights of the coffee table.

Hip Hip Hurray!

Officially, this blog now has 7 readers, though I suspect there are 2 who may have forgotton about this little world of mine.

I welcome the last crew on board this ship!