"I wrote this some time ago but did not publish it because I thought it was sensitive and I didn't want to risk it, but I now think that people have a right to know what I'm really thinking about..."


I stopped looking forward to hanging out in cafes and restaurants (fast food or not) because we used to have tons of things to talk about.

But these days I feel really redundant in the set up, like a spare 5 cent coin in a Louis Vuitton purse.

Nowadays, suppers with Eugene, Jason and Ivan that I’ve never attended (which I hold a certain contempt for *the supper, not the people*) and what Adrian/Jiaquan did or said are the de facto theme of many conversations.

I never hid my disinterest towards all these guys here, but I don’t dislike them too.

In another kind of setting I might even become their friends. Unfortunately, the context of my relationship with them was never right.

They just get talked about so much that I can feel them sitting next to me all the time even though they are not physically present. Sometimes, I even feel like they are sitting on top of me.

I never hid my distaste for KL, and I don’t mind saying it again. That my patience towards her is maintained only on a minimal level.

This is why I tried to limit contact as much as possible. Unlike KJ, she is not my sister, and I can never truly forget what she did and said, because I do not want to forgive her.

If all goes well, I may be able to put on a front, barely. But when I’m pissed, I can’t stop myself from spoiling the mood of everyone simply because I’m just too unstable emotionally these days.

I’m sorry for losing my temper tonight, I really am. Sorry that the two of you has to be innocent victims of my tantrums.

But for 5 minutes, I felt like a second class friend.

Things that happened in the past meant that we now get to see one another once in a blue moon.

And for the days we don’t see one another, there’s always the supper, the BBQs and other whatnots, I don’t know. And I don’t want to know, because knowing all that only highlights how much we have drifted, and that hurts.

So for the times we still have at the MJ table, I really cherish them a lot.

What hurt the most was that it’s alright to stay out for supper till 7am, but then she has a hundred and one reasons why she must go immediately and cannot for another 15-20 minutes.

Am I even to rule out the possibility of us sitting down for a game?

What’s left then?